I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
