We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
