i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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