I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
worst night to have a conscience
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's always time for handjobs
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were destined to go to rehab together
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
My ass is underappreciated
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize