glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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