Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
