Is it because I queefed?
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
