i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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