I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
honey bunches of taint.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Damn victory sex feels great
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
