I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
