I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
