so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
