If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
My underwear smells like fireworks.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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