Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize