I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
