Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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