Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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