If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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