I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
