Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
