I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
