Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I supernannyed him into submission
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Randomize
