your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
