Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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