i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
