Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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