y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
