i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
