I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
