i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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