i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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