shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Randomize
