she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
