hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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