I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
