He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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