Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
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