i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
