ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Randomize
