fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
