Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
