Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
