yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize