At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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