Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
