You smell like a Billy Joel song
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I intend to get homeless drunk
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
