im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
