just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
