i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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