dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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