I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
