You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
