Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
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