She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my being single is dangerous.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize