The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
