george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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