My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize