the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
